Though I wish it were, DAYS Two Scooping isn't my only job. Don't worry. I still lead a very glam life. I wake up each morning, looking as ravishing as when I went to bed. I have Champagne and fresh fruit breakfasts on the lanai while wearing a monogramed silk smoking jacket and lots of bling. I throw at least one crystal vase against a wall, bitch-slap a shoulder-pad wearing archenemy or two, and hostilely take over an ex's company before I head out to my other job. It's a wonder I even have the energy to call for the driver to take me there, but I digress.
So, in my non-Two-Scoops work life, I manage a business. It's been a growing experience for sure. In addition to quickly assessing which hat I have to wear at the spur of the moment, one of the biggest challenges has been accepting the role as the leader of my staff, as I'd always been an "employee" and never an "employer." Sort of like the old bride/bridesmaid saying, but less sad. Anyways...
In the beginning, I found it really easy to organize things and make a clear goal. I'm anal. I make charts. I color code things. I alphabetize, like, everything. Oh, hell. Let's just put it this way, Microsoft Excel and I were briefly engaged until it found me too structured. So, I always thought, "Whatever comes my way, I've got this." Yeah, that feeling didn't last long.
Inevitably, something went wrong. The carefully laid plans went kaput. And my first response was, "Well, I'll call someone." And then I realized I was the someone I had to call. I had to come up with the plan. My staff was looking upon me to see how I was going to react and handle things. Crap. I was in charge.
To spare you from an even longer story and wondering, "What the hell does this have to do with DAYS?" I'll say that ultimately, things worked out. I became the leader I needed to be. I stepped up. And now I know what hat to put on at different times, but what surprised me most was one of those hats was actually a fluffy orange bun hairdo.
That is, sometimes I have to channel my inner Mrs. Garrett from The Facts of Life and become the sound advice giver to my staff. We're a small team and, being the elder of the group, they often ask my opinion on life and love. Well, they ask me mostly because there isn't anyone else to ask, but I try to help. If anything, I just remember the choices I made in my early twenties and tell them the opposite. That actually seems to be working the best, but again I digress. Just like when my staff needs me at my non-Two-Scoops job, I've found that some Salemites might need some advice, too. So, let's take a look at our wacky residents and see what we can offer up to ready them for May Sweeps.
Abe: Love and protect your child as you do, but tread lightly when it comes to matters of his heart, Mayor Carver. Overbearingness can lead to, well, go talk to Kate's kids for about an hour. Just kidding. You'll only need ten minutes.
Abigail: Ignore Jennifer, she's high, but everyone else makes a good point about getting help. Do that.
Adrienne: Hire Steve and John, a.k.a. the Black Patch Private Detective Agency, to find your storyline. It's gone missing. Better yet, have them find you a new one. The last one wasn't really that spectacular.
Adriana: Keep taking those vitamins! You haven't been too sick to attend a family gathering since you were freed from that warehouse. That's progress.
Andre: Take your time in jail to learn from your mistakes and grow as an individual. Okay. Is everyone gone now? Yeah, I totally have a file baked into a cake, and Laurisa is waiting behind the prison in a van. Just knock three times. We'll get you out of there.
Belle: Sometimes old habits and/or former exes are easy to fall back into, especially during stressful times, but instead of having a case of the ex, try either being a single lady for a while or perhaps play doctor with Fynn. You're a gorgeous gal with glam to spare. Don't waste that shine on Phelle: Part Seventy.
Brady: Pastor Abdul preached about two steps forward and one step back. Read up on that and then go help Summer pack after you apologize to Theresa for blowing off her concern about Deimos. Love the Greek on Greek action you have going on with Justin, though! Just listen to Theresa and be careful. She knows what she's talking about.
Caroline: If you're going to stick with this psychic shtick, take a workshop with Dionne Warwick. Kayla, Joey, Hope, Ciara, and, well, nearly everyone has been in trouble, but your only visions revolve around Victor or Bo. Call me when you can predict other loved ones' calamities and, more so, winning lotto numbers.
Chad: I'll let a recent Tweet from Laurisa tackle this one, "Chad can't honestly be shocked that Mar would suggest that Abs be committed. He caught her trying to LIGHT SOMEONE ON FIRE." That. Just that.
Ciara: She has that entirely awesome standing by her man thing down. Love it. But if she's looking for a better job, she might want to take up Paige's old one at the FroYo stand. There's a lot less drama than at the DiMera mansion, and everyone seems to go there so the tips will be plentiful.
Claire: You do you, boo. #loveher
Dario: While sticking up for your loved ones is always a great thing, I'm getting a bit burnt out of the hothead routine. Lighten up, Dario. Even the Hulk knows when to take it down a notch.
Deimos: As far as revenge and the entire getting what you want thingy is going, you're good. You also get points for being an honest son of a bitch. Though, turn down the gloat a bit. Being self-assured is great, but cocky will get you caught and ensure your plan will blow up in your face every time.
Doug: I wouldn't be upset with you if you showed up at the Edge of the Square and did a duet with your great-granddaughter, Claire. Nope. Not upset at all.
Eduardo: While I enjoy your journey to reconnect with your family, you may also want to reach out to bromance buddy John. He may have a place for you at the detective agency.
Fynn: Yes, Kayla's a catch, and you're proving to not to be the manwhore everyone thought you were originally, but take a cold shower, and we'll hang out in the square. I have some other ladies I'd love to introduce you to. After all, we know what Dr. Dan would do in this situation, but bedding patients is just kind of 1-800-NO-THNK-U.
Gabi: I'll babysit if you promise to drag J.J. out on a date. We need a dose of that cuteness. If not, you're fab, and we can have drinks in the square! Ari Grace is old enough to watch herself now, right?
Hope: If you liked kissing Rafe, put down the gun. Getting away with murder in the middle of a tyrant's living room may only work once. Besides, you're smart enough to figure this out without smoking Deimos.
Jade: Watch Showgirls and pretend it's a documentary. If that doesn't scare you into being less annoying, then Soap Gods help us all.
Jennifer: Sobering up long enough to help Abigail was classy, but you may want to see if there's a group rate at the asylum. We miss Salem's sweetheart, and it's time to get clean.
J.J.: The next time your crazy sister takes off, the appropriate response is, "Chad, We got a runner!" Also, I'm glad you finally noticed that Mama Bear has been blitzed and borrowing your Grateful Dead albums from your stoner days. Welcome to the party. Just follow up on that. Don't drop the ball. Jennifer will think the ball is a pill and try to swallow it.
Joey: Though Joey's loyalty to his best friend, Dumb-Decisions, is admirable, he may want to rethink trusting a girl who's come out of nowhere and befriended him...again. In fact, I'm texting Austin Reed's contact information to Joey. Something tells me these two mental giants with a penchant for not realizing what their gals are up to would have a lot to talk about. Yeah, I'll have to conference call and lead this discussion I fear.
John: Let's keep focusing on the present. Trying to discover long-lost relatives hasn't really worked out for you lately. By "lately" I mean ever. So, get that agency running with Steve (and Eduardo), and let's do some day drinking.
Julie: I know you're busy with the bed and breakfast, but you may want to check in on your family. They're kind of imploding worse than usual.
Justin: You've been D.A. Douchebag attitude-free for several months now and returned with your old-school winning swagger. Welcome back, and keep it up!
Kate: She told Philip, "You know that threat. That threat doesn't work with me anymore. All of my children have disowned me at one point or another." Yeah, that's not a badge of honor, Katy. You might want to speak to Mar Mar and figure out why that is. Just saying.
Kayla: If you're not going to listen to your doctor's advice, at least give Jennifer your pills if you're not using them. Sorry, Jenny Bear paid me to write that. But, no. Really. Listen to Fynn. I know doctors are the worst patients, but passing out once a week isn't normal, and you'll need to recovery quickly because Salem's hospital beds are in short supply lately. And maybe, just maybe, once you're brain is fixed, you'll come back to your senses about Steve.
Lani: "No means no." Bart Simpson that motto on the white board -- or crazy board, as you called it -- about a thousand times and don't lean up on anyone until you're finished.
Lucas: Jennifer could certainly use your help, and Philip could, too. Plus, we kind of just like seeing you.
Maggie: I know times are tough, but pawn some jewelry and give the money to Summer to use as airfare. We'll all thank you.
Marlena: Stay strong, Mar Mar! I know you're worried about Eric, but I sent him soap-on-a-rope, a recipe for Pruno, and some cigarettes he can use for trading favors. Besides, it's Salem. Even murderers get out early for good behavior.
Nicole: Though I don't want to see Nicole sleep with Deimos as part of a scheme, I'm loving the idea of her getting her claws back. Even though his statement was in no way self-serving, of course, Victor said to use those evil powers for good. Agreed. I'll have a celebratory martini while waiting for you when you win, Ms. Thang. You can do it!
Paul: We need you back on-screen to prove you're not experiencing any side effects from Grandpa Yo Ling's brain scrambling. If you wear that tank top, we won't mind, either.
Philip: Try reaching out to Brady and Justin, who are gung-ho to be the Greeks to kick the other Greek's ass. There's safety in numbers, and, well, you're kind of a bonehead and make bad decisions. At least they can keep you in check. Plus, they'll need someone to fetch them drinks and snacks as the plot.
Rafe: You're getting the girl, on the road to getting the bad guy, have your entire family back in town, and have Steve's approval. I'd say you're set, bro.
Roman: Now that we know you're not above bending the rules to protect loved ones, can you see what you can do about getting Eric out of jail? He and Nicole have some unresolved issues, and we won't even tell him you once slept with Nicole.
Shawn: Yeah, Lani makes me feel uncomfortable at times, too. If you need a spray bottle of cold water to keep your would-be lady from clinging to you after you've said no, that's a deal breaker. It's time to move on. There're a lot of opportunities out there for a hunky geek who's a good dad and general upstanding guy. I'll fax you over a list of eligible ladies.
Steve: Chin up, Patchman! Your commute to work just got a lot shorter. Plus, you can have tea with Hope and afternoon beers with John until Kayla comes to her senses.
Summer: Though forgiveness can be a powerful thing, so can running away from all of your problems and never reaching out to anyone again. Like, ever again as in "never to be heard from again." It'll be fun. I'll help you pack!
Theo: You're a cute lad who sticks up for his lady. That's a win. Sure, you threw a few punches, but you didn't smother anyone yet, so hitting is just sort of child's play.
Theresa: Girl, you picked a bad time to give up partying. If the Summer storyline doesn't drive you back to the bottle, you can face any challenge. #TeamTheresa
Thomas: See what mommy did? That running thingy. Learn that quickly.
Victor: I'd like to hold a big mirror up to Victor's face and ask him how that seeking revenge on someone who sought revenge on him for seeking revenge on them first thingy is going for him, but he'd either disown me or seek revenge on me. Point is, Vic should at least be honest with Maggie about his scheme with Nicole. I sense he doesn't want to see Maggie follow him down his revenge-minded path, and perhaps he's protecting her, but as Confucius said, "Before you embark on a journey of revenge, dig two graves." In Victor's case, he may need a mass grave because of all the collateral damage in his fight with Deimos. But it's not like Deimos offered to stop his vengeance pursuit or anything if Victor would have just apologized. Nope. Not at all. Carry on, you crazy Greeks!
NOT
I could go into an entire NOT rant about how this Summer storyline makes me want to beat myself over the head with Hope's selfie stick until I pass out, but I'm going for an official preemptive NOT -- let's shut it down, dear writers. That is, step back from the Fynn and Kayla idea. This doesn't need to get uglier. Just put the keyboard down and walk away slowly.
LINE OF THE WEEK:
Maggie (to Theresa when asked how her legs felt): "How the hell would I know?"
RANDOM THOUGHTS
I know how Jennifer feels about her pills. I need a Sami and/or Kristen fix very badly right about now.
The look on Fynn's face when he and Kayla walked in on Joey and Jade was priceless.
Kate was quick to make fun of Philip and told him to stop finding dates on bottomofthebarell.com. Isn't that where she met most of her exes? Oh, wait! That's salemswelcomwagon.com. My bad.
I want more Claire and Henry time. They're fun. And we need fun. It's a little shocking that Rory didn't make an appearance on April 20th episode.
Jade said she's avoiding Canada because she has a strange fear of moose. Canadians and moose everywhere were heartbroken I'm sure.
PARTING THOUGHTS
So, friends and fellow DAYS fans, that's Two Scoops for the week of April 25. I'll be back next week to kick off May Sweeps and also cheer for DAYS as we head off to the Daytime Emmy Awards! And, "That's a fact!"
As always, thanks for reading!
Tony
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